Adventures in Long Term Care

My first job out of nursing school was at a local LTC/rehab facility. Of 75 residents, roughly 60 residents carried a diagnosis of late stage Alzheimer/dementia, which made for an extremely interesting work environment, not to mention a learning experience of EPIC proportions.

Going to work was never boring, in fact, I learned more from my LTC residents than I ever did in school.

But on to the funny...

One gentleman in this particular establishment was well known in my very small town for being somewhat of a barfly before his admission to my facility, and he fit the reputation to a T.

He was about 5'6, maybe 100 lbs soaking wet, with nary a tooth in his head.

The lack of teeth probably contributed to his low weight, but he refused to wear dentures.

(Bear with me, the backstory is necessary.)

Due to his very toothless state and refusal of a mechanical soft diet, he gummed/smashed meals into submission. Because of this, by the time I arrived on the floor,this resident (we'll call him Jack), was in possession of an extremely hypertrophied and protruding tongue/lower lip.

Which got in the way whenever he would ask for anything, which resulted in the CNAs getting frustrated and refusing to deal with him. Thus Jack would become frustrated and no one was happy.

Enter me.

I happen to be in possession of some sort of internal translation device which allows me to understand nonexistent languages. (Unfortunately, my linguistic skillz do not extend to my attempts to become bilingual, but that's a story for another day.)

So, before long, Jack and the rest of the staff learn that I understand what he's trying to say, effectively making him my "person". He posts himself in front of my desk, demanding coffee/cigarettes and telling me various stories about his past exploits.

One day as I'm charting, Jack is sitting in his usual spot next to my desk. As horrible as it sounds, I've by this point learned to tune him out for the most part because he's so excited someone can understand him he TALKS non-stop.

He's engrossed in telling me some story, and I'm mumbling "Uh huh....oh yeah?" as he goes on about God only knows.

Somewhere in this exchange he apparently asked me a question, and realized I was only paying him the minimum of attention.

I'm absorbing in charting when I hear from across the desk, "AWWWWwwww......sPIT!"

I look up to see Jack glaring at me. "Bgurwl....byou ain't wispinin tboo a BAMN bword ah sbayin!"

I attempt to apologize, telling him that I was busy writing and didn't hear what he had asked.

Apparently, he wasn't placated, because the following exchange went down:

Me: "Jack, I'm sorry. I was really busy, I wasn't ignoring you."

Jack: "Awww sPIT!"

Me: "Ok, I understand that you're mad but you absolutely cannot sit up here at the desk cursing. If you want to talk like that, you'll have to go to your room to do it."

Jack: "BHELLL!"

Me: "Jack, I'm serious. Roll on. No more."

Jack: "PUCK BDAT!"

At which point I lose it, and crack up, thereby rendering my Nurse-Face totally ineffective.

This was the first of many "Jack stories", others which include the time he somehow hid a very large BM in his sock (while still on his foot); the time he wrapped a similar item in a napkin and delivered it to my desk in the middle of the night while bare-ass naked; and the time he offered "bgurl, bwehm ah bwgit outta here, ahmwa pake byou bto thwu BDepot" (the bar he used to frequent).

I miss me some Jack. :)